The Blacklist

It’s been brought to my attention that my recent Nacho experiences have been somewhat lacking. It’s not all been for nothing- there are still some high scoring plates of coated triangulars out there- but the same problems keep arising.

  • Nachos that are bald. No, it can’t be avoided but it can be alleviated. Layer your sauce throughout that angled yellow mountain (it’s really hard coming up with nacho synonyms, ok?!) or just be a little selfless with your condiments.
  • Nachos that do not contain all of the Big Four. Salsa, Soured Cream, Guacamole, Jalapenos. Cheese is a given. Fanciful extras are charming, but substitutes (such as ketchup instead of salsa) are not.
  • Fake cheese. If a man wearing a floorlength false beard constructed entirely of straw told you he had been cultivating it for ten years you wouldn’t refer to him as a bearded man. He would be a man with straw on his face. Same with nachos. If it’s not real cheese, it’s not real ‘chos.

Just wanted to get this straight before the Ultimate London Nacho quest continued. Cheers.


Bad Nachos

This shouldn’t be allowed to happen. Just got tweeted a horrifying image of nachos resembling some sort of crime scene involving an axe, a maniac and a deceased pygmy’s giblets. Or dogfood. After it’s been thrown up by aforementioned dog.

Okay so there’s no danger of baldness, but the whole thing looks like something you’d grout tiles with. And the strange transparent droplets on the bottom left of the plate don’t help either. Horrific. Classy plate though.

Nacho Aesthetic. Naesthetic.

It’s difficult to look hot while eating nachos. Hence why they don’t feature heavily on “top ten foods to eat while on a date” lists. Two nachoists recently featured here at Nacho Times attempt to disprove this, to varying degrees of success.

Londonfood4afiver’s Joe at The Boadicea (rated 3/5) putting the “sass” in “nachos hanging out of your mouth”

Horrid Movies Jordan doesn’t quite achieve the same sophistication. In his own words: “It looks like the weight of the nachos is pulling my face down.” (Jordan is pictured at Camden Market, rated 2/5)

I think we have a winner.

Ultimate London Nacho: Camden Market

Place: Er, Camden Market

Jordan of the brilliant Horrid Movies site recently informed me of a Horrid Nachos Experience (HNE) suffered on a paper plate and involving a radish.

I’m as up for innovative nachos as the next hombre, but this is ridiculous. As the well known Chinese proverb says: It’s all fun and games until someone gets a radish out.

Yes, there’s cheese. I mean it’s quite a good proportion of cheese actually (if not melted) and yes the proportion of guacamole, soured cream and salsa is vaguely accurate despite, as always, a slight paucity of the latter. But hang on. There’s a radish there.

“It was really weird,” Jordan recounted earlier today, “as I was about to go, the woman was like: ‘don’t forget your radish’ and started chopping one  up.” Camden is renowned for it’s kookiness, but this is going a bit far.

One overly zealous attempt at livening up a promising plate of chos with an incongruous vegetable barely used in any meals, let alone those of mexican descent, and it’s over. It’s all over. Camden market gets points for trying, but sadly they pushed it one step too far. In the direction of Beatrix Potter.

Ultimate London Nacho? Considering it was Horrid Nacho Experience, I can’t condone this behaviour. However, I won’t penalize them completely. At least they were creative (misguidedly) 2/5

ULN: O’Neill’s

Place: Soho, Great Marlborough Street

The Irish are renowned for three things: charm, a potato famine and Guinness (of course I’m generalising for comic effect). They are not known for their nachos, and O’Neills is no different.

I sampled the £5.95 chos with a great, and Northern Irish, friend of mine. He was satisfied, as many of the public are, with a plate of tortilla chips and a pipette squirt of soured cream, guacamole and ketchup. Yes, ketchup. The cheese was also those melted false-dairy slices you get for 99p in Tesco (other supermarkets are available) and tasted like an impoverished imposter of the lactose world. A really crap Zorro with a mask of ectoplasm. Far from being the Ultimate Nacho, these tasted like they’d been out drunk the night before, staggered back at 6am and wilted onto the plate after vomiting in a nearby bin.

This is not to mention the baldness. Oh god the baldness. We spent twice as long eating bald chos as we did eating those covered in cold ketchup. As my friend commented, “this is just not good nachiquette,” a term which will from hereonin be used with relish (pun intended) on this blog.

O’Neills? Sort yourselves out. You may not be a mexican restaurant but when I order nachos, I expect nachos. Not a drunk Antonio Banderas in a fake cheese mask. Despite the bizarre imagery, hopefully I have got my point across.

The Ultimate Nacho? Are you joking? Have you not read ANYTHING I’ve written so far? Oh. Well go back an read it. In short, no. These were barely nachos and provoked me to near-rage. 1/5


This week’s Mental People Tweeting About Nachos roundup.

@BJC_HealthCare: It’s Opening Day at Busch Stadium! If you plan on munching on nachos and hot dogs, remember to use moderation. (there’s always one who ruins it)

@iwashedmyhair: Things that are never sexy to ear: nachos, buffalo wings and burritos (I presume she meant eat. Or maybe not.)

@iPrettyvanity: It’s Brownie && Nachos day #yumm :)) (Inadvisable unless she’s referring to eighteen sash-wearing eleven year-olds who congregate in church halls every Sunday)

@magestik_vi48 Nachos! mmmm nom nom nom nom (nom? for god’s sake. I’m glad you like nachos, but please get bent)

@AGaelicGirl Pepperjack nachos before bed. Tis all I’m sayin’… Nancy (Yes Nancy. It’s all he’s saying. Are you listening Nancy? Nancy?)

@BigBennyRadio: Yeah…I know baseball has great fans, but I’m not one of them. I dig Isotopes games, but only for BBQ nachos & beer…LOL! (AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH)  

ULN: The Boadicea

Place: St John Street, Angel Islington

At £6.95 they’re fairly priced and you get the perfect amount of ‘chos. On a square plate. That the waitress had to put on a tray because it was heated. Yes, someone has circumvented the cold-after-three-minutes issue continuing to plague many perfectly good plates since the dawn of time. Talking of time, the chefs must have been preoccupied considering it took twenty minutes to serve what it ostensibly a fast meal to prepare. Maybe they were playing billiards. Just a thought. Either way, there were some some flair details and nice touches to these nachos so it was probably worth the wait.

Note the separate helping of soured cream (which I poured on the middle for this picture because I was hungry and therefore impatient) so, in the words of the waitress, “you can decide how much or where you want to put it” HELLO POWER.

Obviously- after this picture was taken- I used it all, and my lunch companions (Londonfood4afiver’s Katy and Joe) even gave me their jalapenos. Well, Joe did. But what about the nachos themselves? All the components were there, with some interesting extras such as a concoction of thinly diced pepper and onion.

Plus, the salsa was homemade, chunky and delicious but unfortunately, there was not enough of it. The proportions were a little off and, after a few minutes, I was struck with the bald nacho syndrome. I had to do a bit of economising early on to make sure the sauce spread to those less blessed chips below. Even after the, quite frankly, aggressive amount of jalapenos kicking around the plate.

Ultimate London Nacho? Not quite. But definitely worth a look. I’ll give it a solid 3/5