JUSTIN BIEBER AND HIS BALD CHO: ONE YEAR ON

This time last year, Justin Bieber became a walking advert for nachos. Except what we’re seeing here is a bald cho plain served with taramasalata and washed down with Persil. Great, Bieber, undo all our hard work and promote baldness to your legions of fans. Check the glossary if terms such as “bald cho plain” are confusing you. If “taramasalata” is giving you issues, Google it. I’m not Sharon Britannica.

No it’s not breaking news but it’s Justin Bieber with some nachos. You can print it out and stroke it, crying, or whatever you people do when faced with a rap moppet drinking diluted washing powder.

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ULN: The Piccadilly Institute

Where: The Piccadilly Institute: One, Piccadilly Circus 

This place is amusing for two reasons– firstly, it’s “what’s on” guide states:

“We all need a place where we become enlightened. This is that place”

This is followed by a blank calendar for the whole of this upcoming month. Hilarious.

Secondly, it’s also described as “dedicated to the principles of pleasure”, which is a bit funny, but mainly intriguing and arousing. Time to pleasure yourself with some £9.95 nachos, if you don’t mind your food resembling  Lisa Simpson after a car accident.

pic.twitter.com/SM8AC4CD

Try and find the “Shrink” room (there are loads of rooms with different, nacho-free menus) and you’ll come across this top notch Holy Cho Fountain described by nacho enthusiast Dani O’Hagan as “generally excellent with perfect ratios of soured cream, guac, salsa and cheese”.

Bizarrely, they were also served in a “metal tub, like a tiny tin bath” reinforcing the proverb: “if you bathe a nacho, they’ll only end up decanted into an old pizza box, as pictured, for ease purposes”. Also, it’s a bit Sylvanian Families.

Receptacle misfires aside, the Big Four were striped across the chos, which were warm and crispy, with the cheese sprinkled in the centre. This is a bold decision Dani described as “nicely combined, and not too invasive.” Personally, I want a bit more of the Viking in my dairy, but who am I to dispute what was, undeniably, a great nacho experience? Oh, and the portion was massive.

If the price has got you feeling like a mangled Simpson character, they do a half price deal 5-7.30pm every day.

Rating? We’re going to go with a 4. Bathing aside.

The Jalapeno Cafe

Oh look, it’s a positive review! Not of nachos, obviously, but of this damn hot recipe website I came across while casually googling “jalapenos”. Yes, I am single. But if I wasn’t, you’d never be introduced to The Jalapeno Cafe.

It’s the act of arranging, and lack of cooking, that makes the cho such a fine dish for those who fear, yknow, hobs. However, once in a while it becomes necessary to cook something– a dinner party for example- and seventeen plates of nachos doesn’t cut it.

Hey friends, I’ve casually whipped up some scrummy enchiladas. Oh and the ultimate quesadilla to start us off. And a Texan Cheese Log. That last one sounds odd but you’ll be laughing on the other side of your odd face after eating one. In a good way.

Additionally, The Jalapeno Cafe have come up with some Nacho Improvers- we’re talking homemade salsa, people. Not the stuff in a tin. MADE IN YOUR HOME. OR SOMEONE ELSE’S HOME. I’m no chef, but Incredible Salsa pretty much blew my mind out through my eyes and into the next person’s mouth.