Things That Look Like Chos

#2 A UFO named Dudley Dorito

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Found by @Garyk01 via The Daily Mail this nacho shaped alien was seen three times in three years, with its final sighting over the midlands in 2010. Because its the Daily Mail, that makes it fact. If only doritos would stop stealing our jobs then Princess Diana would still be alive etc etc SMUG JOYLESS CHORTLE.

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Nachos: A Health Food

I heard a woman refuse nachos the other day because she was “trying to lose weight”. Good on her, she was a big woman. Though I hate the idea of actively devolving chos, I do understand her pain- when this blog was at it’s most prolific (aka when I had no life, job, hobbies, friends, other writing outlets, home etc) I was eating nachos every other day. Yes, I was a big woman.

Moving on.

Nachos, especially while eating out are fairly high in fat, cals, blah blah, but if you’re trying to eat well and are craving your fix there are ways to cultivate a healthy, glowing cho while on the road to looking dead thin, or whatever you people worry about. I call it the Gwyneth Palcho. OK, it’s a stretch but it’s better than Jenni-cho Aniston. Or Angelina Cho-lie. Kate Beckincho is pretty funny. Scarlett Cho-hansson. Oh god this is brilliant. Anyway.

Way to Achieve A Gwyneth Palcho (Apologies if I appear reluctant to bastardize the holy cho fountain at times)

  • Don’t use meat. Chicken, beef, veal, none of it is necessary. All you need is the Big Four plus jalapenos.
  • Greek yoghurt can be substituted for soured cream if you’re a moron. Sorry. It’s just the same, you won’t even notice the difference (you will)
  • Use low fat cheese! Because everyone knows low fat cheese isn’t really hard and difficult to melt!
  • Some salsas are a lot better for you than others.Tesco’s own brand salsa is quality, but nachoists across the Atlantic won’t be au fait with the lovely family owned Tesco Local. And neither is The Nacho Times au fait with Kwick-E-7-11-Mart or whatever. Shop around.
  • Substitute guacamole for sliced avocado.
  • Substitute the chips for air.
  • Substitute nachos for peashoot and mung sandwich on rye bread FFS WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

Sorry.

Watch out for tomorrow’s attempt at making the Gwyneth Palcho. It may or may not be a disaster.

The Arc: Vegetarian Nachos vs Chicken Fajita Nachos

Place: The Arc, Torrens St, Angel 

One place. Two nachos. One vegetarian, one not vegetarian. You know when there’s a child and his brother is more talented and loved than him? Yeah, that. With more emotion involved, obviously.

Nachos Mexicana (£6.95): Fajita spiced chicken, pepper and red onion, mature Cheddar, guacemole, soured cream, salsa. Picture doesn’t do them justice as phone was attached to wall via phone charger so couldn’t reach.

Nachos (£5.95): cheddar, guacemole, soured cream, salsa. NB: contains significantly less cheese and not nearly as much sauce as the above. Also, you won’t get as big a portion. Photo does them too much justice as had unplugged phone by this point. 

The Nachos Mexicana had much more cheese, grated and warmed, leaving it almost erotically stringy. They had to be eaten with a fork which, though controversial, proves the existence of some fantastic sauce coverage.

The Nachos (v) had cheese glued to the triangles like a child clinging to a disinterested parent (children overcompensate when a parent doesn’t give them as much love as their elder siblings) and were a minefield of bald chos. Holding each other like children sobbing in daycare, bonded by overly sweet salsa and cheese adhesive, the chef didn’t care- letting them sit there on the plate, embarrassed by their own failure. Doing nothing. God it makes me mad.

But what of the chips? They, on both plates, tasted suspiciously similar to the Tesco Value tortillas, leaving a salty, tearful aftertaste. At least the Nachos Mexicana had some quality pepper and onion action to make up for this, though.

Why not try taking the child out to the cinema to show him how much you care? You can even get vouchers if you’re a bit hard up. Or do an Orange Wednesday? That’d be nice wouldn’t it? Sorry, I’m getting sidetracked.

So, The Arc, you may do wonderful pizzas (including buy-one- get- one-free-deal at lunchtimes) but take more care with your vegetarian chos. We’re malnourished, anaemic, and notice such things. If anything, take more care, because we’re often left to deal with subpar food and can’t have steaks which is really irritating sometimes.

It’s unacceptable that, as a vegetarian, I must order a chicken nachos without the chicken in order to get a satisfactory plate o’cho. That’s like ordering order a burger minus the burger plus macaroni cheese in order to get quality pasta.

Also, if you’re a parent, make sure you lavish enough attention on both your children. It’s important.

Ultimate London Nacho: Obviously not the vegetarian nachos. I’ve had better in Wetherspoons. However, the Nachos Mexicana were pretty cool- but the quality of the chips let them down. 3.