Weird Nacho Picture

While the below image was supposed to demonstrate how best to enjoy nachos (i.e. with friends, fellow nachoists and wine), it backfired and looks like I’ve started a cult.

image

Faceless people offer chos to a triumphant female who is potentially taking advantage of them spiritually and financially (cults can be expensive). Arms outstretch. A baby cries. The chos call. The girl eats the baby. Etc.

Lesson: sometimes when you take pictures of everyone holding up their nachos, it looks weird.

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Nacho etiquette

There’s nothing that ruins chos like, you know, bad vibes. As we all know, energy radiates from all particles, the life-giving force throbbing through the cosmos in a pattern of HA I’M JOKING. Basically, there are ways to enjoy nachos to ensure a top quality cho experience.

Behold the 5 golden rules to wallowing correctly in the Holy Cho Fountain:

1. Don’t use a fork. 

What do you think you’re eating? A delicately chillied crab linguine? Put the utensils down and if your golden triangles are too sloppy; GET A NAPKIN, WIPE YOURSELF DOWN, AND CONTINUE EATING WITH YOUR HANDS. Chos are a finger food and the best road to the perfect CT (cho texture) is the option for a fork, followed by its swift rejection.

2. Don’t hog the chos. 

Sharing means half and half. Stick to your side of the plate/bowl/dish and use 50 per cent of each sauce. If you only like guac then buy one an avocado salads from M&S and stop blaspheming.

3. Don’t be delicate with the chos. 

There’s nothing worse than some girl (sorry, but it’s always girls) picking at a shared plate of chos like a dying pigeon. In this event, rule #2 is to be dismissed: it’s time to take advantage and eat them all. Quickly. Then, next time, she might not be so effing irritating.

4. Don’t get down on it if you’re in a bad mood. 

Fiery salsa, cooling soured cream and shedloads of cheese may seem like the perfect antidote to an angered soul but never equate the cho with feeling down. Then it’ll be, in a Pavlovian way, the food of sadness when it should always be a source of euphoria. Like overcoming the odds. Or the E drug.* ** ***

*The Nacho Times doesn’t condone drugs, this was written for comic effect.

** Heroin is pretty good though.

*** THIS IS ALSO A JOKE.

5. Try not to cho it alone. 

Sometimes, for the lone nacho enthusiast, sitting down and chowing down is alright. It’s okay. It’s better than eating quiche. But try not to make it a regular thing. Nachos, by their very nature, are a sociable foodstuff and to deny them an extra person, laughter and conversation, is to deny their glory.

But also it’s very important to keep in mind that at the centre of the world is a giant lizard made of positive energy, breathing life into all things.

Homemade Nachos

There is only one word to describe the nachos kindly photographed and sent in by Amanda Ciske from Wisconsin. That word is “wahey”

If these chos were a forest, they’d be a massive forest. If they were a mammal they’d be a massive blue whale covered in forest. Look, there’s fresh tomato in there! IT’S SO FRESH!

Fresh, and yet more proof that Americans do it better and England is the country where chos go to die. Amanda informed me tex mex is the main cuisine in Milwaukee, her hometown. I quote (because this is hard-hitting journalism and real journalists need quotes): “There are restaurants selling nachos on every corner, it’s a big deal.”

Every corner? I want to move to Milwaukee. In fact, let’s all go right now. You’ll probably say it’s unwise to move to another continent for gastronomical reasons, but I’m tempted. Who are you anyway? Gandhi?

The Nacho Times Nachos (Attempt #1)

There’s only so long you can critique the chos of others before you realise you should probably have a go yourself and so The Nacho Times presents: Nacho Times Nachos Attempt #1. No, they didn’t turn out perfectly. Which is a bit awkward.

It did, however, involve layering of both sauce and cheese.

Layer one is as follows:

The finish product is as follows:

I think you’ll agree they look banging. Ideal distribution on each of the three (yes three) layers was achieved by dotting the relish across the cho plain. Cheese and jalapenos were then added before introducing the next layer. Did I microwave it? Obviously not. No, I put it in the oven. Which was the fatal error.

Baking nachos meant the consistency of the chos turned to water. Soggy flaccid chos like bits of paper submerged in a salsa pond. A spond. The chips used were Doritos Chili Heatwave and they responded more like Doritos Wet Wimpy Bastards. Or rather, Glooped Chos.

Because of this, forks had to be employed which is a clear breach of Nacho Law. They’re made to be finger food so if you have to crack out the cutlery, tell those chos to Fork Right Off (pun). The lesson of the day was: to avoid Glooped Chos, bake each layer separately. Time consuming but worth it in the end.

The clear winner of the evening was the guacamole. Recipe to follow. Finally The Nacho Times has discovered the perfect way to make this avocadoey dip, without it having the appearance of boiled vomit.

So at least some good came of it.

Layering Cheese on Nachos

It’s a much talked about topic in the fact that nobody talks about it. But I think they should.

Yes, that’s right. The distribution of cheese on Nachos. As the wonderful Joe from London Food 4 A Fiver once said: “I’ve layered the cheese throughout so there won’t be any hairless nachos”

He said this after making some great candid chos. Unfortunately, the picture is unavailable.

Presumably he meant Bald Chos, but regardless of this terminology issue, he had unknowingly hit on a cho goldmine.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the world: layer your cheese. Not only does it eradicate the weird wasteland effect you often get when working through your triangle mountain, but it keeps things interesting. There’s nothing better than being surprised by your own food. Couple this with relish distribution, and you’re away. By relish distribution, I refer to the act of blobbing bits of relish all over the dish, as opposed to three separate large blobs. It’s a technical art.

While we’re on this note, the Ultimate London Nacho (or possibly Ultimate Global Nacho) would also involve layering of relish too. Joe only went for layered cheese, but just think what could have been achieved if he’d gone that extra mile.

Unfortunately he microwaved the crap out the chos, resulting in cheese adhesive but you can’t have everything.

How To Make Tortilla Chips (Ish)

Attempted to get “creative” and make tortilla chips out of wheatflour tortillas. Yes I’m playing fast and loose with the term “creative” and indeed “make” but, either way, here’s the recipe:

  • Buy round tortillas (Old El Paso were used here, but other brands are available) 
  • Cut into triangular shapes
  • Fry in loads of oil for about five minutes 
  • Eat 
Quote from observer: “Yeah they’re alright actually.”

I have a newfound appreciation for those who successfully make tortilla chips although, granted, they probably create them from bits of squashed corn and threads of sombrero’s found at crossroads next to a babbling brooks.  I’m getting confused with teenage novels about witchcraft. 

After covering the handmade chos in well distributed relish, and heating the layered cheese throughout UNDER A GRILL NOT MICROWAVED HAVE YOU LEARNT NOTHING ABOUT THE DANGERS OF CHEESE ADHESIVE?! I found them to be different, and surprisingly quite good.

Softer, yes, but that merely conjured up charming images of chewing a freshly baked, you know, baker. Burnt in places, certainly, but this added crunch and flavouring. Once I’d added a bit of salt and a pickled cats arse baked under a full moon, they were more filling and, dare I say it, wholesome tasting. Oh no wait I’ve done it again haven’t I. Ignore the bit about salt. 

Summer Nachos

Summer! I hear you cry. Summer is not for hot cheese covered chos! No! It’s for salads and smoothies and ice creams and cold things so if we accidentally spill a morsel, the result is more than pleasurable! In fact it’s very rarely accidental! WE ALWAYS THROW COLD FOOD ON OURSELVES OK AND IT’S PERFECTLY NORMAL AND YOU CAN’T DO THIS IF THE FOOD IS HOT (I.E. NACHOS)

Fine, I can see things from other people’s perspectives so I’ll run with it. Whatever you’re reason for preferring colder food in the summer, whether it’s to cool down from the inside out or more directly, through rubbing yourself with iced goods, there’s a cho for all occasions.

Summer Nachos.

Unfortunately due to a technical fault, there can be no pictures to accompany this post. I’ll just have to weave images with my words. Luckily I’m a wordsmith so, here goes:

1. Loads of those scotch pancake things cut into nacho shapes with ice cream and fudge sauce on top. By “scotch pancake things” I mean, of course, “scotch pancakes.”

2. Lettuce leaves with salsa and soured cream and cheese. Inadvisable. Tastes like Gwyneth Paltrow.

3. Sliced mango with fruit compote and bits of banana on it. Refreshing and very tasty in a saintly sort of way. Doesn’t go well with salsa. Probably whap out some yoghurt (vanilla flavour if possible)

4. Nachos… but cold. The cheese isn’t even melted or anything. I know. Lock up all seven of your sons.

5. Trifle. Okay so it’s not nachos but neither is anything else I’ve listed.

This is all very nice, and yeah it tasted great, but if it’s not hot, covered in cheese and doesn’t contain the big four, then it’s a Notcho.

So stop moaning and go and throw some gazpacho down your top or whatever it is you people do. Then eat some proper nachos.

(Image from this lovely blog where a girl posts a picture a day every day to describe her life. Aaaah)