Nachos: A Health Food

I heard a woman refuse nachos the other day because she was “trying to lose weight”. Good on her, she was a big woman. Though I hate the idea of actively devolving chos, I do understand her pain- when this blog was at it’s most prolific (aka when I had no life, job, hobbies, friends, other writing outlets, home etc) I was eating nachos every other day. Yes, I was a big woman.

Moving on.

Nachos, especially while eating out are fairly high in fat, cals, blah blah, but if you’re trying to eat well and are craving your fix there are ways to cultivate a healthy, glowing cho while on the road to looking dead thin, or whatever you people worry about. I call it the Gwyneth Palcho. OK, it’s a stretch but it’s better than Jenni-cho Aniston. Or Angelina Cho-lie. Kate Beckincho is pretty funny. Scarlett Cho-hansson. Oh god this is brilliant. Anyway.

Way to Achieve A Gwyneth Palcho (Apologies if I appear reluctant to bastardize the holy cho fountain at times)

  • Don’t use meat. Chicken, beef, veal, none of it is necessary. All you need is the Big Four plus jalapenos.
  • Greek yoghurt can be substituted for soured cream if you’re a moron. Sorry. It’s just the same, you won’t even notice the difference (you will)
  • Use low fat cheese! Because everyone knows low fat cheese isn’t really hard and difficult to melt!
  • Some salsas are a lot better for you than others.Tesco’s own brand salsa is quality, but nachoists across the Atlantic won’t be au fait with the lovely family owned Tesco Local. And neither is The Nacho Times au fait with Kwick-E-7-11-Mart or whatever. Shop around.
  • Substitute guacamole for sliced avocado.
  • Substitute the chips for air.
  • Substitute nachos for peashoot and mung sandwich on rye bread FFS WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU


Watch out for tomorrow’s attempt at making the Gwyneth Palcho. It may or may not be a disaster.


This time last year, Justin Bieber became a walking advert for nachos. Except what we’re seeing here is a bald cho plain served with taramasalata and washed down with Persil. Great, Bieber, undo all our hard work and promote baldness to your legions of fans. Check the glossary if terms such as “bald cho plain” are confusing you. If “taramasalata” is giving you issues, Google it. I’m not Sharon Britannica.

No it’s not breaking news but it’s Justin Bieber with some nachos. You can print it out and stroke it, crying, or whatever you people do when faced with a rap moppet drinking diluted washing powder.

No Woman, No Nacho.

The minute they put the nachos on the table, everybody becomes an enemy because there’s all different kinds of nachos. Do you ever see those naked ones around the perimeter? Then, there’s that one big Powerball nacho that somehow is connected to all the other nachos on the plate — it’s like the Kevin Bacon of nachos.

– Bob Marley (source here)

(Yes, Bob Marley was a friend of Kevin Bacon. I don’t see what the problem is)