You’re (Not) My Wondercho: Manchester Nachos

Jabez Clegg, Manchester M13 9GB

If popular 90s band Oasis had called at one of their songs Wondercho,  perhaps things would be better. Perhaps people would have taken action against sub-par nachos instead of getting inspired about walls.

Maybe this fine city, that gave us Wayne Rooney and, y’know, The Arndale Centre (it’s got a good food court) could have started producing Tex Mex that is proud to be Manc, instead of (to use the northern dialect) “dead mank”. And lank. Hey, do you remember when Jason Statham starred in Crank?

Sure, they look inoffensive, but nachoist Rory McDonald’s descriptions are so horrid I didn’t even rotate the image (this is more because I’m in an internet cafe in Brockley surrounded by screaming children from St. Mary Magdalene’s Catholic Primary School).

“There was cheese which at one point in archaic times had been melted but, when I came to eat it, the whole thing was like trying to eat a big ball of ronseal with stegosaurus plates sticking out of it.”

Oh god. This is like when Liam and Noel fell out and Liam punched a man in a bar for calling him Noel, or whatever. Actually, no it’s worse. We’re talking full on HNE here, with defcon 5 cheese adhesive.

“…And then there was bits and pieces of clearly pre-grated crap that you get in big bags from shops. The mass had a tepid centre but everything else was stone cold.”

Presuming Rory is using the term “crap” metaphorically, the worst aspect of this is that, after charging £4.50, they were stone cold. If I want something cold for nearly a fiver, I’ll go and buy Ben & Jerrys ice cream from the shop down the road in the nude. If I want nachos for nearly a fiver, I want them piping hot and good quality or you can shove them up your champagne supernova.

Also, just found out there are two other Crank films after the first one. How did that even happen? God this is the most depressing post ever. I should never have mentioned Jason Statham. Always leads to pain.

Anyway, if anyone has had a PNE (positive nacho experience) higher than the Watford Gap, please get in touch. The author of the Nacho Times is originally northern and feels embarrassed by her heritage. So embarrassed as to begin referring to herself in the third person.


Things That Look Like Chos

#2 A UFO named Dudley Dorito


Found by @Garyk01 via The Daily Mail this nacho shaped alien was seen three times in three years, with its final sighting over the midlands in 2010. Because its the Daily Mail, that makes it fact. If only doritos would stop stealing our jobs then Princess Diana would still be alive etc etc SMUG JOYLESS CHORTLE.

Chaws From T’Leeds (Nachos in Leeds)

Leeds is a fine city. Not only is it the 30th most populated of the European Union, but also has its roots in the wool industry. As we can all agree, wool is great. Any term that sounds like an ejaculation of surprise gets top marks in my books.

Anyway, thanks to Gina (younger sibling of the founder of Nacho Times) we have spread our cho reach to West Yorkshire. Find yourself in Leeds with a thirst for the Holy Cho Fountain (HCF)? Then pop into A Nation of Shopkeepers on Cookridge Street. No, I don’t know where the hell that is either and yes, it does sound utterly mental. Look it up on google maps or something (other maps are available)

Iya y’alriiight? Ahm a leeeeeeds chawwwww (translation: Hello, are you alright? I’m a Leeds Cho)

Apparently these bad boys were quite tasty. Loads of salsa, loads of soured cream, loads of cheese but fatally, no guacamole. OK so it’s not the end of the world, but you’re never going to get over 3.5 if you mess with the big four. Jalapeños were present.

Interestingly we’re seeing more and more layered chos coming out of the mexicana woodwork. Perhaps this is due to the very blog you’re reading, but I doubt it. We’re not established enough. I tried to get free nachos the other day and was rebuffed.

The layering meant that, obviously, baldness was kept to a minimum so despite the lack of guac, you’re definitely in for a treat. On Cooksville road. In Leeds.

Ultimate UK Nacho? No, but it gets a solid 3.5. Oh I already wrote that earlier on so the surprise has been ruined. Sorry.  

Arh Pet, Gerroff Me Chos And That (i.e. National Nachos)

North-East Nacho correspondent and raving Nachoist Amy sampled the triangles of glory at Varsity, Durham yesterday. Yes, Nacho Times just went Northern.

Varsity bars are found everywhere from Leicester to Bangor (just not London) so you could say we’ve just covered the nachos in pretty much every county in the UK.

Anyway, look at the Northern Chos:

You can’t even tell they’re northern. If you put these chos on a tube they’d stand in silence and inexplicably look at everyone’s shoes and everything. They probably wouldn’t eat McDonalds on buses either, or yell “EEEEH LAD I’M GUNNA VOM” in art galleries. I can make jokes like this because I am northern and can only hope it is taken in jest.

Anyway. Amy sampled the above and came to the conclusion that they aren’t half bad. The composition is a bit off, with a glaring omission of guac, for which they’ve overcompensated with an overly ambitious amount of soured cream– but there’s a nice amount of jalapenos and the portion size looks promising. What isn’t promising, however, is the poor cheese coverage, wisping away like a poorly made toupe.

Amy gives these Varsity chos a 3/5- though omitting the guac, and covering with a bad wig o’ cheese, she felt the amount of sauce and the portion size more than made up for it. So that’s that then. As you were.