The Nacho Times featured in The London Evening Standard

This is for anyone who said blogging about nachos was ridiculous and that I should write about politics/fashion/entertainment/anything normal.

Click here to read the 5 best nacho joints in London as chosen by The Nacho Times for The Evening Standard. Woopachang (and other odd ejaculations of jubilation)

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Notchoes But Nice: Huevos Rancheros

Where: The Old Dairy, Crouch Hill N4 4AP

Guys, we’re going to make a Tex Mex sauce, add three huge triangular chos and put an egg on it.

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There isn’t currently an official term for something that’s like nachos, but not. However, the resulting taste and bizarrely delightful texture has made me want to put eggs on everything. Like nachos. And lasagne. And the tenancy agreement my landlord refuses to acknowledge.

At an extortionate £10 for a single portion, these Huevos Rancheros’s (Huevos Rancheri?) are the terribly posh older brother of the nacho, covered in egg. If you’ve met a terribly posh older brother, you’ll know they’re only palatable when covered in egg.

Despite being posh, and not nachos, these are good. If you’re really rich, or fancy a bit of excitement, give them a good go. Same goes for the terribly posh older brother, if he’s fit.

The Notchoists

If you’ve been following The Nacho Times, or have just stumbled across the site (hi new friend! Perhaps you’re the guy directed here after typing “gwyneth paltrow boobs” into google? If so, let’s chat about this at a later date) you’ll know that Notchos are a form of non-chos masquerading as chos. We’ve all been there. “Hey, come round for nachos” our friends exclaim, before setting out a plate of tortilla chips and houmous. No friends. No. It’s a charming dish, but cannot be placed in the same category.

Additionally, you will have come across the term Nachoist- those who appreciate a good cho. There are those, sadly, who do not. Today, Olive Wakefield from Olive On A Plain declared (actual quote) “All you need to make nachos is doritos and spray cheese.” This shook The Nacho Times to the core. It undid all the good work purveyed in the last four months. I didn’t know myself anymore. I had to go and stand on the balcony and drink a bit of diet coke.

There are people who believe anything involving a crisp, some dip and a sprinkling of cheese can be known as nachos. It’s a misconception that often goes unchallenged, and be remedied by a link to this blog, or other sources of cho information, and a  slap. After a polite request for an embrace  as you cry uncontrollably into their shoulder, muttering “have you never tried actual nachos?” and “but spray cheese is rank” and “there isn’t a God”.

As The Nacho Times has found, even the poorest chos served in franchises such as O’Neills are aware of what constitutes a Notcho. They may have used ketchup instead of salsa, but the jalapenos were present, if humiliated by a lack of valid relish. Wetherspoons, as I have said time and again, do great chos despite being best known for serving such British dishes as Roast Dinner and Really Mild Korma That Tastes Like Roast Dinner.

By all means enjoy some crudité and houmous action, but don’t kid yourself you’re sampling Mexican cuisine. If you’re eating a packet of Cool Original Doritos while making a cheese sandwich and a bit of cheese falls into the packet, have you automatically got nachos? Er, no. You’ve probably got dyspraxia, or at the very least, incredibly poor hand-eye coordination.

Don’t be a Notchoist. If you are, or you know someone who is, take yourself/them to any of the fine establishments reviewed on this site and open your/their mouth(s) to a world infinitely better than spray cheese and doritos.

Other brands of tortilla chip are available.

Filo Pastry Nachos

The Bridge House in Little Venice, renowned for it’s by-the-river quaintness, charming upstairs theatre, and clientele with a tendency to wear marmots as scarves and discuss Pont Neuf, has altered its chos. And not for the better. In fact I’d go as far as saying this is definitely, in light of their previous review, a case of Devolved Chos.

They were not strong contenders for The Ultimate London Nacho before but they were, however, quite normal. The current situation is reminiscent of The Thing (popular 80s horror classic featuring Kurt Russell) where the alien emulates whatever it wobbles it’s tentacles at, but badly.

These nachos have apparently wobbled their tentacles at a Greggs Bakery. Why? The chos were not corn chips. Nor were they fried tortilla. No, they have taken Ponce to a whole new, northern bakery chain level. Who the hell wants nachos made from filo pastry? And not only that, they are shrivelled and curled like something out of a Tim Burton movie (not Jonny Depp. He isn’t wizened. But that’s for another time/blog) while simultaneously being absurdly massive.

Look at them. No, actually look. Then have a sit down. If faced with these bad boys in the Antarctic, Kurt Russell would no doubt have run away and perhaps had an accident in his snow trousers. Some of these chos were the size of my hand, adding to the “I’m eating a pasty but it’s not a pasty”  feeling. And yes, I have massive hands.  The salsa was also  sickly sweet, counteracting the utter pointlessness of the guac and the cheese had been bizarrely brushed onto these mini extra terrestrial pasties instead of spread, leaving a layer of cheese slime. Never experienced this before, although as you can see from the picture I did eat them all. This was mainly down to curiosity and disbelief and acute hunger. 


Would have preferred to have eaten a tentacle.

Nacho Glossary

Yes, it was a long time coming.

There’s only so long one can bandy about such terms as “golden triangles” and “bald chos” before things need to be explained. Hopefully this won’t get out of control and become a recognised dialect requiring a 300 page phrasebook but you never know. Check out the all new Nacho Times Nacho Glossary if you start feeling linguistically out of your depth.

And, of course, if there are any terms that have been missed off the list, alert me immediately. 

Nachos on a Budget

I’m not going to lie and say that constantly eating nachos at high class restaurants is a snip. Even eating nachos at normal restaurants can be a stretch for some (most high class restaurants tend to focus on braised orange marmalade with a side portion of rare duck).

So why not make your own?

eHow are the go to for all pressing how to needs (i.e. how to chop a tomato correctly, how to apply mascara, how to get that girl to really fancy you, etc) so check out their no nonsense approach to no nonsense nachos. Let me know how you get on…

Tweecho

Your weekly update of nacho-related tweets. Which are generally a bit weird.

@hweatherf I had chilli with a backed potato was good but was missing my nachos #dinner xxx
Apparently this person ate a spinal column.
@dabarkers Dam ladies know how to feed me at work, just got hooked up wit some free nachos!! 🙂
See, they have confused “nachos” with “noon-based strippers”.
@SuthernBel76 Chicken nachos for dinner at my lil man request
It’s all fun and games until a pygmy gets involved.
@NafiyyahsWorld I love nachos
There is beauty in its simplicity.