Homemade Nachos

There is only one word to describe the nachos kindly photographed and sent in by Amanda Ciske from Wisconsin. That word is “wahey”

If these chos were a forest, they’d be a massive forest. If they were a mammal they’d be a massive blue whale covered in forest. Look, there’s fresh tomato in there! IT’S SO FRESH!

Fresh, and yet more proof that Americans do it better and England is the country where chos go to die. Amanda informed me tex mex is the main cuisine in Milwaukee, her hometown. I quote (because this is hard-hitting journalism and real journalists need quotes): “There are restaurants selling nachos on every corner, it’s a big deal.”

Every corner? I want to move to Milwaukee. In fact, let’s all go right now. You’ll probably say it’s unwise to move to another continent for gastronomical reasons, but I’m tempted. Who are you anyway? Gandhi?

Notchoes But Nice: Huevos Rancheros

Where: The Old Dairy, Crouch Hill N4 4AP

Guys, we’re going to make a Tex Mex sauce, add three huge triangular chos and put an egg on it.

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There isn’t currently an official term for something that’s like nachos, but not. However, the resulting taste and bizarrely delightful texture has made me want to put eggs on everything. Like nachos. And lasagne. And the tenancy agreement my landlord refuses to acknowledge.

At an extortionate £10 for a single portion, these Huevos Rancheros’s (Huevos Rancheri?) are the terribly posh older brother of the nacho, covered in egg. If you’ve met a terribly posh older brother, you’ll know they’re only palatable when covered in egg.

Despite being posh, and not nachos, these are good. If you’re really rich, or fancy a bit of excitement, give them a good go. Same goes for the terribly posh older brother, if he’s fit.

The Ultimate London Nacho: Santo, Notting Hill

Where: Santo, Portobello Road W10 5TD

The size of the jalapenos sums up the boldness of these authentic, yet sort of excitingly filthy chos. Salsa? Get bent. Bean dip? Hop on. The experience was like being chafed by a sombrero to the upbeat strains of “La Cucaracha”.

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The chips are hand-cut, thick and spiced. The guacamole is a chunk-fest. The cheese is warm.  The waiter fixes our wonky table with some paper and makes an amusing joke. The whole thing gets a bit overwhelming to be honest and, what? Yes, "our table". You thought I went to restaurants and ate nachos by myself? Well, occasionally, but that's for my other blog entitled Why It's Okay To Always Eat Alone.

Back to the chos in hand, where the portion size was huge and the relish plentiful, just like Jesus (I've never read the Bible). There was layering. Yes, layering not only of the cheese but of the sauce. It got to the stage where my dining partner said: "they're really wet" and I replied: "I almost want to use a fork, but I won't". This is the crux- a fork was considered, but never used, as nachos should be sauce-laden, but never to the point where a fork is a necessity. There were even some cubes of tofu on there, unobtrusively tucked to one side in the event of the eater despising tofu. What a nice protein-rich gesture.

Erm, they were £10. That's an issue, but these are seriously filling chos and I was unable to complete the main course. For anyone interested, it was a burrito which cost £350.

Ultimate London Nacho? They have to get a 5. As I’ve yet to visit every eaterie in London selling nachos, this means Santo are the Ultimate London Cho SO FAR. 

WILL THEY EVER BE BEATEN? OH THE EXCITEMENT. I’VE JUST WET MYSELF. (For more anecdotes of this nature, visit my other blog Incontinent Fun Times)

Nachos: A Health Food

I heard a woman refuse nachos the other day because she was “trying to lose weight”. Good on her, she was a big woman. Though I hate the idea of actively devolving chos, I do understand her pain- when this blog was at it’s most prolific (aka when I had no life, job, hobbies, friends, other writing outlets, home etc) I was eating nachos every other day. Yes, I was a big woman.

Moving on.

Nachos, especially while eating out are fairly high in fat, cals, blah blah, but if you’re trying to eat well and are craving your fix there are ways to cultivate a healthy, glowing cho while on the road to looking dead thin, or whatever you people worry about. I call it the Gwyneth Palcho. OK, it’s a stretch but it’s better than Jenni-cho Aniston. Or Angelina Cho-lie. Kate Beckincho is pretty funny. Scarlett Cho-hansson. Oh god this is brilliant. Anyway.

Way to Achieve A Gwyneth Palcho (Apologies if I appear reluctant to bastardize the holy cho fountain at times)

  • Don’t use meat. Chicken, beef, veal, none of it is necessary. All you need is the Big Four plus jalapenos.
  • Greek yoghurt can be substituted for soured cream if you’re a moron. Sorry. It’s just the same, you won’t even notice the difference (you will)
  • Use low fat cheese! Because everyone knows low fat cheese isn’t really hard and difficult to melt!
  • Some salsas are a lot better for you than others.Tesco’s own brand salsa is quality, but nachoists across the Atlantic won’t be au fait with the lovely family owned Tesco Local. And neither is The Nacho Times au fait with Kwick-E-7-11-Mart or whatever. Shop around.
  • Substitute guacamole for sliced avocado.
  • Substitute the chips for air.
  • Substitute nachos for peashoot and mung sandwich on rye bread FFS WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

Sorry.

Watch out for tomorrow’s attempt at making the Gwyneth Palcho. It may or may not be a disaster.