Ultimate London Nacho: Subway

Place: Subway, Leicester Square

Oh god. It’s happened. For the first time in my life I was unable to eat a plate (or rather, box) of nachos (£1.59 Subway)

When the guy behind the  counter ask me if I wanted any sauce on them I knew it was going to be bad. Yes, good sir, I would like sauce. Without sauce, these are an array of tortilla chips in a box. Oh, it’s just salsa? That’s the only sauce you are going to put on my nachos? Well it had better be the sort of salsa that makes the angels sing, that’s all I’m going to say my fine fellow. Oh, yes I’ll have some jalapenos. Goodbye

MRPPH.

That is the sound I made upon chewing the first chip.

……

That is the sound I made upon sampling the other chips. BECAUSE I DIDN’T HAVE ANY OTHER CHIPS.

These are indeed nachos that would make angels sing. Sing while crying and trapping their heads in the boot of a car. The tortilla chips were chewy, as if they’d been left in a cupboard, opened, for too long. The salsa was tasteless, and overly salty. The cheese was, once again, welded to the chos and the side of the box after being microwaved for far too long while I, blocked by the counter, was forced to stand and watch. It was like that bit in the Green Mile where the guy stamps on the mouse and everyone is shocked and repulsed. To top it all off, the box was soggy with condensation and after a few minutes this transferred to the chos themselves. Chewy, soggy, salty tortilla chips welded to bits of cardboard. I ate the jalapenos instead, which were fine if clearly mortified by the indignity of it all.

Ultimate London Nacho? I’m not qualifying this with a response. Subway, you should be absolutely and utterly ashamed of yourself. 0.5/5 (I felt sorry for the jalapenos)

Covent Garden Nacho Offence x 2

OK it’s probably unfair to include this in the Ultimate London Nacho quest, but considering it said “nachos” on the menu, and considering I thought “oh maybe Covent Garden can redeem itself after the HNE (Horrid Nacho Experience) of The Nags Head” I’m putting it in regardless.

Place: The Coffee Bar (opposite Dirty Martinis) Covent Garden

£7.95 is quite steep  especially when the chips tasted  cheap and the guacamole of nothing but texture. I want to taste food. I don’t want to feel it. That’s what cats are for. You know, cat feeling and that.

Anyway, me and my fellow part-Nachoist decided this was an example of misleading advertising. A definite case of Notchos. In fact I’m not even going to give it a rating in the event of it undermining the entire point of the Ultimate London Nacho quest. It’s as relevant as if I were to review cat textures.

Ultimate London Nacho? The wine was quite nice. Anyone seen Submarine yet? I quite fancy it. Looks funny. Erm.

The Blacklist

It’s been brought to my attention that my recent Nacho experiences have been somewhat lacking. It’s not all been for nothing- there are still some high scoring plates of coated triangulars out there- but the same problems keep arising.

  • Nachos that are bald. No, it can’t be avoided but it can be alleviated. Layer your sauce throughout that angled yellow mountain (it’s really hard coming up with nacho synonyms, ok?!) or just be a little selfless with your condiments.
  • Nachos that do not contain all of the Big Four. Salsa, Soured Cream, Guacamole, Jalapenos. Cheese is a given. Fanciful extras are charming, but substitutes (such as ketchup instead of salsa) are not.
  • Fake cheese. If a man wearing a floorlength false beard constructed entirely of straw told you he had been cultivating it for ten years you wouldn’t refer to him as a bearded man. He would be a man with straw on his face. Same with nachos. If it’s not real cheese, it’s not real ‘chos.

Just wanted to get this straight before the Ultimate London Nacho quest continued. Cheers.

Bad Nachos

This shouldn’t be allowed to happen. Just got tweeted a horrifying image of nachos resembling some sort of crime scene involving an axe, a maniac and a deceased pygmy’s giblets. Or dogfood. After it’s been thrown up by aforementioned dog.

Okay so there’s no danger of baldness, but the whole thing looks like something you’d grout tiles with. And the strange transparent droplets on the bottom left of the plate don’t help either. Horrific. Classy plate though.