Filo Pastry Nachos

The Bridge House in Little Venice, renowned for it’s by-the-river quaintness, charming upstairs theatre, and clientele with a tendency to wear marmots as scarves and discuss Pont Neuf, has altered its chos. And not for the better. In fact I’d go as far as saying this is definitely, in light of their previous review, a case of Devolved Chos.

They were not strong contenders for The Ultimate London Nacho before but they were, however, quite normal. The current situation is reminiscent of The Thing (popular 80s horror classic featuring Kurt Russell) where the alien emulates whatever it wobbles it’s tentacles at, but badly.

These nachos have apparently wobbled their tentacles at a Greggs Bakery. Why? The chos were not corn chips. Nor were they fried tortilla. No, they have taken Ponce to a whole new, northern bakery chain level. Who the hell wants nachos made from filo pastry? And not only that, they are shrivelled and curled like something out of a Tim Burton movie (not Jonny Depp. He isn’t wizened. But that’s for another time/blog) while simultaneously being absurdly massive.

Look at them. No, actually look. Then have a sit down. If faced with these bad boys in the Antarctic, Kurt Russell would no doubt have run away and perhaps had an accident in his snow trousers. Some of these chos were the size of my hand, adding to the “I’m eating a pasty but it’s not a pasty”  feeling. And yes, I have massive hands.  The salsa was also  sickly sweet, counteracting the utter pointlessness of the guac and the cheese had been bizarrely brushed onto these mini extra terrestrial pasties instead of spread, leaving a layer of cheese slime. Never experienced this before, although as you can see from the picture I did eat them all. This was mainly down to curiosity and disbelief and acute hunger. 


Would have preferred to have eaten a tentacle.

That’s Nacho Tee Shirt, It’s Mine (Yawn)

It’s official: Nachos are not conducive to stylish clothing. If you want to get involved in Nacho High Couture the options are limited. And slogan based.

The I Have No Imagination Option

The I Have No Imagination But I Am A Slightly Edgier (And Possessive) Person Option

The I Clicked The Wrong Link Option

The I Can Link Words And Images Appropriately Option

The I Cannot Link Words And Images Appropriately Option

The Old Joke Option 1 (Sassy Independent “YOU TELL ‘EM GIRL” Woman)

The Old Joke Option 2 (Sympathetic/dull)

The Retro Option

The Vaguely Disturbed Retro Option

Just Vaguely Disturbed

All tee shirts can be, erm, bought by clicking on the images. it takes you straight to the “shop” they’ve been “designed” for.

Nacho Aesthetic. Naesthetic.

It’s difficult to look hot while eating nachos. Hence why they don’t feature heavily on “top ten foods to eat while on a date” lists. Two nachoists recently featured here at Nacho Times attempt to disprove this, to varying degrees of success.

Londonfood4afiver’s Joe at The Boadicea (rated 3/5) putting the “sass” in “nachos hanging out of your mouth”

Horrid Movies Jordan doesn’t quite achieve the same sophistication. In his own words: “It looks like the weight of the nachos is pulling my face down.” (Jordan is pictured at Camden Market, rated 2/5)

I think we have a winner.

Ultimate London Nacho: Camden Market

Place: Er, Camden Market

Jordan of the brilliant Horrid Movies site recently informed me of a Horrid Nachos Experience (HNE) suffered on a paper plate and involving a radish.

I’m as up for innovative nachos as the next hombre, but this is ridiculous. As the well known Chinese proverb says: It’s all fun and games until someone gets a radish out.

Yes, there’s cheese. I mean it’s quite a good proportion of cheese actually (if not melted) and yes the proportion of guacamole, soured cream and salsa is vaguely accurate despite, as always, a slight paucity of the latter. But hang on. There’s a radish there.

“It was really weird,” Jordan recounted earlier today, “as I was about to go, the woman was like: ‘don’t forget your radish’ and started chopping one  up.” Camden is renowned for it’s kookiness, but this is going a bit far.

One overly zealous attempt at livening up a promising plate of chos with an incongruous vegetable barely used in any meals, let alone those of mexican descent, and it’s over. It’s all over. Camden market gets points for trying, but sadly they pushed it one step too far. In the direction of Beatrix Potter.

Ultimate London Nacho? Considering it was Horrid Nacho Experience, I can’t condone this behaviour. However, I won’t penalize them completely. At least they were creative (misguidedly) 2/5

Happy Pancake Day

Unfortunately, I don’t know how to make pancakes. If someone would like to potentially come round to Nacho HQ and make me some, that’d be great. In the meantime…

Scotch Pancake Nachos

UD - Scotch Pancake NachosNachos.

Your best friend. Your confidante. Your co-conspirator.

And now: your booze-soaked breakfast buddy.

Say hello to Scotch Pancake Nachos, the greatest thing to hit your morning since bourbon Cheerios, now available at Poe’s Kitchen at the Rattlesnake [this is an American recipe. Obviously- NT]

Why it took the universe so long to combine these ruggedly delicious foodstuffs, we’re not quite sure. It all starts with a regular pancake (the basic building block of most crazy breakfasts). Then a pile of battered tortilla chips is affixed to a flapjack with the help of a housemade tequila cream cheese. And upon this is dropped a trifecta of chorizo-applewood bacon, blood-orange salsa and spicy Guadalajara butter-scrambled eggs.

And since we’re talking pancakes here, all of this receives a generous bath of maple syrup and maple-infused Macallan Scotch.

…. Well thank you Urban Daddy for making my (Shrove Tues) day.

 

Tweecho

On Twitter today we have…

@ClarisaSeymoure What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho Cheese

Dated joke. May start tally.

@TeenieMURDERS Hot cheetoes with nacho cheese : )

Potential euphemism for killing under 19s

@itiscaroline Anyone wants a Nacho? Maybe I got a few too much… I prefer men with a beard for these…

Translation: I’d like a nacho, but does anyone with a beard want one? (It’s quite syntactically confused)

@EllieKent87Saw SO much poo and sick today. It was everywhere. FYI baby diarrhea smells like nacho cheese.

Thanks for that.

@5star_SDB Nacho’s v Omlets lol

Maybe she meant umlauts. In which case Nachos would still win.