Filo Pastry Nachos

The Bridge House in Little Venice, renowned for it’s by-the-river quaintness, charming upstairs theatre, and clientele with a tendency to wear marmots as scarves and discuss Pont Neuf, has altered its chos. And not for the better. In fact I’d go as far as saying this is definitely, in light of their previous review, a case of Devolved Chos.

They were not strong contenders for The Ultimate London Nacho before but they were, however, quite normal. The current situation is reminiscent of The Thing (popular 80s horror classic featuring Kurt Russell) where the alien emulates whatever it wobbles it’s tentacles at, but badly.

These nachos have apparently wobbled their tentacles at a Greggs Bakery. Why? The chos were not corn chips. Nor were they fried tortilla. No, they have taken Ponce to a whole new, northern bakery chain level. Who the hell wants nachos made from filo pastry? And not only that, they are shrivelled and curled like something out of a Tim Burton movie (not Jonny Depp. He isn’t wizened. But that’s for another time/blog) while simultaneously being absurdly massive.

Look at them. No, actually look. Then have a sit down. If faced with these bad boys in the Antarctic, Kurt Russell would no doubt have run away and perhaps had an accident in his snow trousers. Some of these chos were the size of my hand, adding to the “I’m eating a pasty but it’s not a pasty”  feeling. And yes, I have massive hands.  The salsa was also  sickly sweet, counteracting the utter pointlessness of the guac and the cheese had been bizarrely brushed onto these mini extra terrestrial pasties instead of spread, leaving a layer of cheese slime. Never experienced this before, although as you can see from the picture I did eat them all. This was mainly down to curiosity and disbelief and acute hunger. 


Would have preferred to have eaten a tentacle.

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How To Make Tortilla Chips (Ish)

Attempted to get “creative” and make tortilla chips out of wheatflour tortillas. Yes I’m playing fast and loose with the term “creative” and indeed “make” but, either way, here’s the recipe:

  • Buy round tortillas (Old El Paso were used here, but other brands are available) 
  • Cut into triangular shapes
  • Fry in loads of oil for about five minutes 
  • Eat 
Quote from observer: “Yeah they’re alright actually.”

I have a newfound appreciation for those who successfully make tortilla chips although, granted, they probably create them from bits of squashed corn and threads of sombrero’s found at crossroads next to a babbling brooks.  I’m getting confused with teenage novels about witchcraft. 

After covering the handmade chos in well distributed relish, and heating the layered cheese throughout UNDER A GRILL NOT MICROWAVED HAVE YOU LEARNT NOTHING ABOUT THE DANGERS OF CHEESE ADHESIVE?! I found them to be different, and surprisingly quite good.

Softer, yes, but that merely conjured up charming images of chewing a freshly baked, you know, baker. Burnt in places, certainly, but this added crunch and flavouring. Once I’d added a bit of salt and a pickled cats arse baked under a full moon, they were more filling and, dare I say it, wholesome tasting. Oh no wait I’ve done it again haven’t I. Ignore the bit about salt. 

Taco Bell Introduce “Doritos Taco Locos”

American chain Taco Bell have  begun testing tacos with shells made from nacho-flavoured Doritos.
They’re called the Doritos Taco Locos, like Ricky Martin’s 1999 smash hit but with more Loco(a) and less Camp Gyration. But Ricky aside, what’s going on? Nacho flavoured tacos isn’t wrong, it’s just a bit… incestuous. Like making a toast sandwich. Or mixing ketchup and HP sauce. Or getting it on with a blood relative.

Consumerist.com has video footage of a customer testing out this nacho-taco hybrid and apparently it’s quite good. Which is what cousins who marry say. Incest aside, this does show how advanced and gutsy the Americans are, nachoally, compared with us. The UK needs to be a bit more ballsy. Treat the cho like a blank canvas waiting to be splattered with, y’know, interesting things. But is interbreeding the way forward? Personally, before anyone gets creative, I think the UK should start focussing on perfecting the art of making normal nachos (thinly veiled dig at nacho quality in Britain).

In the meantime, here’s some light-hearted humour from twitter:

@Katharyn Hodgkins: What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho Cheese

OH KATHARYN YOU’RE SUCH AN OUTRAGEOUS JEST-BANDIT.

Kettle Chips- Jalapeno Chilli Flavour

Okay so it’s less a HELLO I’M ON YOUR NACHOS review and more HELLO I COULD POTENTIALLY BE THE BACKBONE OF YOUR NACHOS DISH review, but either way these Jalapeno Chilli Kettle Chips (£1.79 at Sainsbury’sblew my mouth out through the back of my head.

I.e. they are hot. And not just your gran “ooh that’s a bit spicy” hot either. They also taste  distinctly of jalapenos which is bizarrely a plus, and for some reason it seems to work. The flavour is uncomplicated enough to add  a nice twist to some homemade chos.

To avoid complaints  from those with delicate palates/wimps, make sure you don’t scrimp on the soured cream, and  turn the salsa down to medium setting so nobody sets themselves on fire. It’s all fun and games till someone’s aflame.

Thumbs up from us though.