Nachos: A Health Food

I heard a woman refuse nachos the other day because she was “trying to lose weight”. Good on her, she was a big woman. Though I hate the idea of actively devolving chos, I do understand her pain- when this blog was at it’s most prolific (aka when I had no life, job, hobbies, friends, other writing outlets, home etc) I was eating nachos every other day. Yes, I was a big woman.

Moving on.

Nachos, especially while eating out are fairly high in fat, cals, blah blah, but if you’re trying to eat well and are craving your fix there are ways to cultivate a healthy, glowing cho while on the road to looking dead thin, or whatever you people worry about. I call it the Gwyneth Palcho. OK, it’s a stretch but it’s better than Jenni-cho Aniston. Or Angelina Cho-lie. Kate Beckincho is pretty funny. Scarlett Cho-hansson. Oh god this is brilliant. Anyway.

Way to Achieve A Gwyneth Palcho (Apologies if I appear reluctant to bastardize the holy cho fountain at times)

  • Don’t use meat. Chicken, beef, veal, none of it is necessary. All you need is the Big Four plus jalapenos.
  • Greek yoghurt can be substituted for soured cream if you’re a moron. Sorry. It’s just the same, you won’t even notice the difference (you will)
  • Use low fat cheese! Because everyone knows low fat cheese isn’t really hard and difficult to melt!
  • Some salsas are a lot better for you than others.Tesco’s own brand salsa is quality, but nachoists across the Atlantic won’t be au fait with the lovely family owned Tesco Local. And neither is The Nacho Times au fait with Kwick-E-7-11-Mart or whatever. Shop around.
  • Substitute guacamole for sliced avocado.
  • Substitute the chips for air.
  • Substitute nachos for peashoot and mung sandwich on rye bread FFS WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

Sorry.

Watch out for tomorrow’s attempt at making the Gwyneth Palcho. It may or may not be a disaster.

Filo Pastry Nachos

The Bridge House in Little Venice, renowned for it’s by-the-river quaintness, charming upstairs theatre, and clientele with a tendency to wear marmots as scarves and discuss Pont Neuf, has altered its chos. And not for the better. In fact I’d go as far as saying this is definitely, in light of their previous review, a case of Devolved Chos.

They were not strong contenders for The Ultimate London Nacho before but they were, however, quite normal. The current situation is reminiscent of The Thing (popular 80s horror classic featuring Kurt Russell) where the alien emulates whatever it wobbles it’s tentacles at, but badly.

These nachos have apparently wobbled their tentacles at a Greggs Bakery. Why? The chos were not corn chips. Nor were they fried tortilla. No, they have taken Ponce to a whole new, northern bakery chain level. Who the hell wants nachos made from filo pastry? And not only that, they are shrivelled and curled like something out of a Tim Burton movie (not Jonny Depp. He isn’t wizened. But that’s for another time/blog) while simultaneously being absurdly massive.

Look at them. No, actually look. Then have a sit down. If faced with these bad boys in the Antarctic, Kurt Russell would no doubt have run away and perhaps had an accident in his snow trousers. Some of these chos were the size of my hand, adding to the “I’m eating a pasty but it’s not a pasty”  feeling. And yes, I have massive hands.  The salsa was also  sickly sweet, counteracting the utter pointlessness of the guac and the cheese had been bizarrely brushed onto these mini extra terrestrial pasties instead of spread, leaving a layer of cheese slime. Never experienced this before, although as you can see from the picture I did eat them all. This was mainly down to curiosity and disbelief and acute hunger. 


Would have preferred to have eaten a tentacle.