Ultimate London Nacho: The Beehive

Place: The Beehive, Vauxhall

As Sophocles once said: “There’s nothing more satisfying than nachos and bees.”

Sadly, The Beehive chos priced at £4.50 and sampled by Nachoist Katy from Londonfood4afiver appear, at first glance, more wasplike (wasps are bald. See, the analogy works)

  Just look at the cheese adhesive and inevitable mass clumping. Oh Beehive, why don’t you stick to what you do best? Which is… layering apparently. Oh hello curveball.

For the first time in Ultimate London Nacho history, we’ve hit upon the goldmine of the tex mex world. Yes, The Beehive layer their cheese throughout their chos. Oh stop I’ve come over all emotional. I’m crying. I’M CRYING ALL OVER THE BEES.

Quote from Katy: “The cheese layering was exquisite. Everytime I thought there was no more cheese, more appeared…”

Unfortunately the guac tasted like toothpaste which proves maybe you can’t have it all. Everytime a chef gets it right, they balance it out with something incredibly wrong. Like Colgate. The rule of thumb is, if you add mint to guacamole, it becomes GuacaNO. And it’s just a bit weird, really.

One day… one day…

Ultimate London Nacho? Sadly not due to bizarre mint guac, but the layering definitely brings it up to a commendable level: 3.5/5

How Not To Make Guacamole (or: Guacamoleurrgh)

Last night the Nacho Times decided to have a bash at making guacamole. Without a recipe.

A direct quote from a nearby observor sums it up: “You know when people say, ‘eurgh that looks like sick’? Well that actually does. I mean, I’ve never seen anything that looks so utterly like sick.”

It turned out to have a charming pan-Mexican flavour, and I enjoyed the huge wodges of avocado, but it definitely wasn’t Guacamole. It was GuacaNO.

Recipe for GuacaNO (best accompanied with Notchos, due to overwhelming chunks and bizarre appearance)

Ingredients:

  • 4 avocadoes. Preferably overripe with brown sections that can be cut off and accidentally merged with the good sections anyway.
  • Half a lemon because you don’t have any lemon juice.
  • A lot of salsa (no I can’t convert this into ounces, I’m metric)
  • A clove of garlic added by someone before they consulted you on the matter (to which you would have responded: “er no, you nefarious lunatic, half a clove will do thanks”
  • A bit of mayonnaise.

Process:

Sort of put it all in a bowl and attempt to mash it with a fork. Then give up and try poking it a bit with a knife. Then smoosh it with a large tumbler until smooth/your arm hurts/you can’t be bothered anymore/you resign yourself to the fact that it will always look this colour. Which is, if you’re interested, the shade of tree sap mixed with sewage. And dead frog. And moss.

Unfortunately, there is no accompanying image. This is, genuinely, the closest resemblance:

 

 Except this is worthy blogger fatcyclist.com’s attempt at guacamole. And it looks a lot nicer than ours.