Nacho/Notcho artwork

Just got tweeted the following by Sam Gray (twitter handle: @samsbit so follow him). The Nacho Times is not particularly good at web-based design (as you can probably see from the current, y’know, design) but in the meantime, LOOK AT THEM:

Aren’t they utterly stonking?

Summer Nachos

Summer! I hear you cry. Summer is not for hot cheese covered chos! No! It’s for salads and smoothies and ice creams and cold things so if we accidentally spill a morsel, the result is more than pleasurable! In fact it’s very rarely accidental! WE ALWAYS THROW COLD FOOD ON OURSELVES OK AND IT’S PERFECTLY NORMAL AND YOU CAN’T DO THIS IF THE FOOD IS HOT (I.E. NACHOS)

Fine, I can see things from other people’s perspectives so I’ll run with it. Whatever you’re reason for preferring colder food in the summer, whether it’s to cool down from the inside out or more directly, through rubbing yourself with iced goods, there’s a cho for all occasions.

Summer Nachos.

Unfortunately due to a technical fault, there can be no pictures to accompany this post. I’ll just have to weave images with my words. Luckily I’m a wordsmith so, here goes:

1. Loads of those scotch pancake things cut into nacho shapes with ice cream and fudge sauce on top. By “scotch pancake things” I mean, of course, “scotch pancakes.”

2. Lettuce leaves with salsa and soured cream and cheese. Inadvisable. Tastes like Gwyneth Paltrow.

3. Sliced mango with fruit compote and bits of banana on it. Refreshing and very tasty in a saintly sort of way. Doesn’t go well with salsa. Probably whap out some yoghurt (vanilla flavour if possible)

4. Nachos… but cold. The cheese isn’t even melted or anything. I know. Lock up all seven of your sons.

5. Trifle. Okay so it’s not nachos but neither is anything else I’ve listed.

This is all very nice, and yeah it tasted great, but if it’s not hot, covered in cheese and doesn’t contain the big four, then it’s a Notcho.

So stop moaning and go and throw some gazpacho down your top or whatever it is you people do. Then eat some proper nachos.

(Image from this lovely blog where a girl posts a picture a day every day to describe her life. Aaaah)

How Not To Make Guacamole (or: Guacamoleurrgh)

Last night the Nacho Times decided to have a bash at making guacamole. Without a recipe.

A direct quote from a nearby observor sums it up: “You know when people say, ‘eurgh that looks like sick’? Well that actually does. I mean, I’ve never seen anything that looks so utterly like sick.”

It turned out to have a charming pan-Mexican flavour, and I enjoyed the huge wodges of avocado, but it definitely wasn’t Guacamole. It was GuacaNO.

Recipe for GuacaNO (best accompanied with Notchos, due to overwhelming chunks and bizarre appearance)

Ingredients:

  • 4 avocadoes. Preferably overripe with brown sections that can be cut off and accidentally merged with the good sections anyway.
  • Half a lemon because you don’t have any lemon juice.
  • A lot of salsa (no I can’t convert this into ounces, I’m metric)
  • A clove of garlic added by someone before they consulted you on the matter (to which you would have responded: “er no, you nefarious lunatic, half a clove will do thanks”
  • A bit of mayonnaise.

Process:

Sort of put it all in a bowl and attempt to mash it with a fork. Then give up and try poking it a bit with a knife. Then smoosh it with a large tumbler until smooth/your arm hurts/you can’t be bothered anymore/you resign yourself to the fact that it will always look this colour. Which is, if you’re interested, the shade of tree sap mixed with sewage. And dead frog. And moss.

Unfortunately, there is no accompanying image. This is, genuinely, the closest resemblance:

 

 Except this is worthy blogger fatcyclist.com’s attempt at guacamole. And it looks a lot nicer than ours.

That’s Nacho Tee Shirt, It’s Mine (Yawn)

It’s official: Nachos are not conducive to stylish clothing. If you want to get involved in Nacho High Couture the options are limited. And slogan based.

The I Have No Imagination Option

The I Have No Imagination But I Am A Slightly Edgier (And Possessive) Person Option

The I Clicked The Wrong Link Option

The I Can Link Words And Images Appropriately Option

The I Cannot Link Words And Images Appropriately Option

The Old Joke Option 1 (Sassy Independent “YOU TELL ‘EM GIRL” Woman)

The Old Joke Option 2 (Sympathetic/dull)

The Retro Option

The Vaguely Disturbed Retro Option

Just Vaguely Disturbed

All tee shirts can be, erm, bought by clicking on the images. it takes you straight to the “shop” they’ve been “designed” for.

Covent Garden Nacho Offence x 2

OK it’s probably unfair to include this in the Ultimate London Nacho quest, but considering it said “nachos” on the menu, and considering I thought “oh maybe Covent Garden can redeem itself after the HNE (Horrid Nacho Experience) of The Nags Head” I’m putting it in regardless.

Place: The Coffee Bar (opposite Dirty Martinis) Covent Garden

£7.95 is quite steep  especially when the chips tasted  cheap and the guacamole of nothing but texture. I want to taste food. I don’t want to feel it. That’s what cats are for. You know, cat feeling and that.

Anyway, me and my fellow part-Nachoist decided this was an example of misleading advertising. A definite case of Notchos. In fact I’m not even going to give it a rating in the event of it undermining the entire point of the Ultimate London Nacho quest. It’s as relevant as if I were to review cat textures.

Ultimate London Nacho? The wine was quite nice. Anyone seen Submarine yet? I quite fancy it. Looks funny. Erm.