Nachos: A Health Food

I heard a woman refuse nachos the other day because she was “trying to lose weight”. Good on her, she was a big woman. Though I hate the idea of actively devolving chos, I do understand her pain- when this blog was at it’s most prolific (aka when I had no life, job, hobbies, friends, other writing outlets, home etc) I was eating nachos every other day. Yes, I was a big woman.

Moving on.

Nachos, especially while eating out are fairly high in fat, cals, blah blah, but if you’re trying to eat well and are craving your fix there are ways to cultivate a healthy, glowing cho while on the road to looking dead thin, or whatever you people worry about. I call it the Gwyneth Palcho. OK, it’s a stretch but it’s better than Jenni-cho Aniston. Or Angelina Cho-lie. Kate Beckincho is pretty funny. Scarlett Cho-hansson. Oh god this is brilliant. Anyway.

Way to Achieve A Gwyneth Palcho (Apologies if I appear reluctant to bastardize the holy cho fountain at times)

  • Don’t use meat. Chicken, beef, veal, none of it is necessary. All you need is the Big Four plus jalapenos.
  • Greek yoghurt can be substituted for soured cream if you’re a moron. Sorry. It’s just the same, you won’t even notice the difference (you will)
  • Use low fat cheese! Because everyone knows low fat cheese isn’t really hard and difficult to melt!
  • Some salsas are a lot better for you than others.Tesco’s own brand salsa is quality, but nachoists across the Atlantic won’t be au fait with the lovely family owned Tesco Local. And neither is The Nacho Times au fait with Kwick-E-7-11-Mart or whatever. Shop around.
  • Substitute guacamole for sliced avocado.
  • Substitute the chips for air.
  • Substitute nachos for peashoot and mung sandwich on rye bread FFS WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

Sorry.

Watch out for tomorrow’s attempt at making the Gwyneth Palcho. It may or may not be a disaster.

The Jalapeno Cafe

Oh look, it’s a positive review! Not of nachos, obviously, but of this damn hot recipe website I came across while casually googling “jalapenos”. Yes, I am single. But if I wasn’t, you’d never be introduced to The Jalapeno Cafe.

It’s the act of arranging, and lack of cooking, that makes the cho such a fine dish for those who fear, yknow, hobs. However, once in a while it becomes necessary to cook something– a dinner party for example- and seventeen plates of nachos doesn’t cut it.

Hey friends, I’ve casually whipped up some scrummy enchiladas. Oh and the ultimate quesadilla to start us off. And a Texan Cheese Log. That last one sounds odd but you’ll be laughing on the other side of your odd face after eating one. In a good way.

Additionally, The Jalapeno Cafe have come up with some Nacho Improvers- we’re talking homemade salsa, people. Not the stuff in a tin. MADE IN YOUR HOME. OR SOMEONE ELSE’S HOME. I’m no chef, but Incredible Salsa pretty much blew my mind out through my eyes and into the next person’s mouth.

The Nacho Times Nachos (Attempt #1)

There’s only so long you can critique the chos of others before you realise you should probably have a go yourself and so The Nacho Times presents: Nacho Times Nachos Attempt #1. No, they didn’t turn out perfectly. Which is a bit awkward.

It did, however, involve layering of both sauce and cheese.

Layer one is as follows:

The finish product is as follows:

I think you’ll agree they look banging. Ideal distribution on each of the three (yes three) layers was achieved by dotting the relish across the cho plain. Cheese and jalapenos were then added before introducing the next layer. Did I microwave it? Obviously not. No, I put it in the oven. Which was the fatal error.

Baking nachos meant the consistency of the chos turned to water. Soggy flaccid chos like bits of paper submerged in a salsa pond. A spond. The chips used were Doritos Chili Heatwave and they responded more like Doritos Wet Wimpy Bastards. Or rather, Glooped Chos.

Because of this, forks had to be employed which is a clear breach of Nacho Law. They’re made to be finger food so if you have to crack out the cutlery, tell those chos to Fork Right Off (pun). The lesson of the day was: to avoid Glooped Chos, bake each layer separately. Time consuming but worth it in the end.

The clear winner of the evening was the guacamole. Recipe to follow. Finally The Nacho Times has discovered the perfect way to make this avocadoey dip, without it having the appearance of boiled vomit.

So at least some good came of it.

How To Make Tortilla Chips (Ish)

Attempted to get “creative” and make tortilla chips out of wheatflour tortillas. Yes I’m playing fast and loose with the term “creative” and indeed “make” but, either way, here’s the recipe:

  • Buy round tortillas (Old El Paso were used here, but other brands are available) 
  • Cut into triangular shapes
  • Fry in loads of oil for about five minutes 
  • Eat 
Quote from observer: “Yeah they’re alright actually.”

I have a newfound appreciation for those who successfully make tortilla chips although, granted, they probably create them from bits of squashed corn and threads of sombrero’s found at crossroads next to a babbling brooks.  I’m getting confused with teenage novels about witchcraft. 

After covering the handmade chos in well distributed relish, and heating the layered cheese throughout UNDER A GRILL NOT MICROWAVED HAVE YOU LEARNT NOTHING ABOUT THE DANGERS OF CHEESE ADHESIVE?! I found them to be different, and surprisingly quite good.

Softer, yes, but that merely conjured up charming images of chewing a freshly baked, you know, baker. Burnt in places, certainly, but this added crunch and flavouring. Once I’d added a bit of salt and a pickled cats arse baked under a full moon, they were more filling and, dare I say it, wholesome tasting. Oh no wait I’ve done it again haven’t I. Ignore the bit about salt. 

Summer Nachos

Summer! I hear you cry. Summer is not for hot cheese covered chos! No! It’s for salads and smoothies and ice creams and cold things so if we accidentally spill a morsel, the result is more than pleasurable! In fact it’s very rarely accidental! WE ALWAYS THROW COLD FOOD ON OURSELVES OK AND IT’S PERFECTLY NORMAL AND YOU CAN’T DO THIS IF THE FOOD IS HOT (I.E. NACHOS)

Fine, I can see things from other people’s perspectives so I’ll run with it. Whatever you’re reason for preferring colder food in the summer, whether it’s to cool down from the inside out or more directly, through rubbing yourself with iced goods, there’s a cho for all occasions.

Summer Nachos.

Unfortunately due to a technical fault, there can be no pictures to accompany this post. I’ll just have to weave images with my words. Luckily I’m a wordsmith so, here goes:

1. Loads of those scotch pancake things cut into nacho shapes with ice cream and fudge sauce on top. By “scotch pancake things” I mean, of course, “scotch pancakes.”

2. Lettuce leaves with salsa and soured cream and cheese. Inadvisable. Tastes like Gwyneth Paltrow.

3. Sliced mango with fruit compote and bits of banana on it. Refreshing and very tasty in a saintly sort of way. Doesn’t go well with salsa. Probably whap out some yoghurt (vanilla flavour if possible)

4. Nachos… but cold. The cheese isn’t even melted or anything. I know. Lock up all seven of your sons.

5. Trifle. Okay so it’s not nachos but neither is anything else I’ve listed.

This is all very nice, and yeah it tasted great, but if it’s not hot, covered in cheese and doesn’t contain the big four, then it’s a Notcho.

So stop moaning and go and throw some gazpacho down your top or whatever it is you people do. Then eat some proper nachos.

(Image from this lovely blog where a girl posts a picture a day every day to describe her life. Aaaah)

How Not To Make Guacamole (or: Guacamoleurrgh)

Last night the Nacho Times decided to have a bash at making guacamole. Without a recipe.

A direct quote from a nearby observor sums it up: “You know when people say, ‘eurgh that looks like sick’? Well that actually does. I mean, I’ve never seen anything that looks so utterly like sick.”

It turned out to have a charming pan-Mexican flavour, and I enjoyed the huge wodges of avocado, but it definitely wasn’t Guacamole. It was GuacaNO.

Recipe for GuacaNO (best accompanied with Notchos, due to overwhelming chunks and bizarre appearance)

Ingredients:

  • 4 avocadoes. Preferably overripe with brown sections that can be cut off and accidentally merged with the good sections anyway.
  • Half a lemon because you don’t have any lemon juice.
  • A lot of salsa (no I can’t convert this into ounces, I’m metric)
  • A clove of garlic added by someone before they consulted you on the matter (to which you would have responded: “er no, you nefarious lunatic, half a clove will do thanks”
  • A bit of mayonnaise.

Process:

Sort of put it all in a bowl and attempt to mash it with a fork. Then give up and try poking it a bit with a knife. Then smoosh it with a large tumbler until smooth/your arm hurts/you can’t be bothered anymore/you resign yourself to the fact that it will always look this colour. Which is, if you’re interested, the shade of tree sap mixed with sewage. And dead frog. And moss.

Unfortunately, there is no accompanying image. This is, genuinely, the closest resemblance:

 

 Except this is worthy blogger fatcyclist.com’s attempt at guacamole. And it looks a lot nicer than ours.