Salsa substitutions

While candid chos are often the way forward when sat alone with nothing to do but assemble ingredients on a plate, said ingredients can be hard to come by.

You’ve got the chos. You’ve got cheese. You’ve got sour cream. You’ve even got guac. Unfortunately, you’ve dropped the salsa out the window in a fit of rage. And it’s a Sunday so you can’t even pop out and grab some (this is a very specific scenario, but it has happened to someone somewhere)

Luckily, here is a handy guide to how to substitute salsa. Get prepared to go utterly mental.

  • Pasta sauce You know, like Dolmio or that one with the monochromatic man wearing a bowler hat (other brands, and headgear, are available) If you’ve got some chilli spice, add that for a bit of a mouth party or alternatively go naked. And then use the pasta sauce without any flavouring.
  • Ketchup I disagree with this, but it’s been brought to my attention that some lunatics don’t mind this. Approach with caution.
  • Homemade salsa Very simple to make provided you have cans of chopped tomatoes. Mainly because the recipe consists of a can of chopped tomato.
  • Actual chopped tomato But not in a can. Two free, liberated tomatoes chopped using whichever knife you deem fit.
  • Baked beans It sounds offensive, but it actually works. Think refried beans but not refried. 
  • A bit of astroturf Just checking you’re attention span.
Alternatively, sign up to anger management classes and/or keep all windows permanently closed. 

Doritos Nacho Cheese Sauce

Yes, it’s been on the shelves for a while now, but it nicely kicks off a new running feature we’re going to call: HELLO, I’M ON YOUR NACHOS (reviewing all the things you can, well, put on your nachos)

Kicking off proceedings is the Nacho Cheese Dip from Doritos (£1.98 from ASDA)

Why bother opening two separate sauces and grating some cheese when you can use just one? Just one artery clogging, everything-mixed-in-together death sauce? Doritos are flogging this all-in-one “nacho cheese” sauce, presumably for the incredibly lazy, or arm-less. Except you still have to open it, so perhaps for those with chronic arm fatigue.

It’s not actually a death sauce, it’s  quite nice. However at Nacho Times we do not believe that the Big Four can be condensed into just one. Or compromised in any way. That’s why we recommend you use Nacho Cheese Dip in place of your usual soured cream, guacamole, or as an addition to all four.

As an addition, it’s fine. I mean, it tastes as artificial and vaguely bizarre as any liquid cheese poured into a tub and flavoured with nondescript mexican spices is going to taste. But it’s quite tasty in small quantities. Just don’t get overly excited or anything.

ULN: The Boadicea

Place: St John Street, Angel Islington

At £6.95 they’re fairly priced and you get the perfect amount of ‘chos. On a square plate. That the waitress had to put on a tray because it was heated. Yes, someone has circumvented the cold-after-three-minutes issue continuing to plague many perfectly good plates since the dawn of time. Talking of time, the chefs must have been preoccupied considering it took twenty minutes to serve what it ostensibly a fast meal to prepare. Maybe they were playing billiards. Just a thought. Either way, there were some some flair details and nice touches to these nachos so it was probably worth the wait.

Note the separate helping of soured cream (which I poured on the middle for this picture because I was hungry and therefore impatient) so, in the words of the waitress, “you can decide how much or where you want to put it” HELLO POWER.

Obviously- after this picture was taken- I used it all, and my lunch companions (Londonfood4afiver’s Katy and Joe) even gave me their jalapenos. Well, Joe did. But what about the nachos themselves? All the components were there, with some interesting extras such as a concoction of thinly diced pepper and onion.

Plus, the salsa was homemade, chunky and delicious but unfortunately, there was not enough of it. The proportions were a little off and, after a few minutes, I was struck with the bald nacho syndrome. I had to do a bit of economising early on to make sure the sauce spread to those less blessed chips below. Even after the, quite frankly, aggressive amount of jalapenos kicking around the plate.

Ultimate London Nacho? Not quite. But definitely worth a look. I’ll give it a solid 3/5