Ultimate London Nacho: Subway

Place: Subway, Leicester Square

Oh god. It’s happened. For the first time in my life I was unable to eat a plate (or rather, box) of nachos (£1.59 Subway)

When the guy behind the  counter ask me if I wanted any sauce on them I knew it was going to be bad. Yes, good sir, I would like sauce. Without sauce, these are an array of tortilla chips in a box. Oh, it’s just salsa? That’s the only sauce you are going to put on my nachos? Well it had better be the sort of salsa that makes the angels sing, that’s all I’m going to say my fine fellow. Oh, yes I’ll have some jalapenos. Goodbye


That is the sound I made upon chewing the first chip.


That is the sound I made upon sampling the other chips. BECAUSE I DIDN’T HAVE ANY OTHER CHIPS.

These are indeed nachos that would make angels sing. Sing while crying and trapping their heads in the boot of a car. The tortilla chips were chewy, as if they’d been left in a cupboard, opened, for too long. The salsa was tasteless, and overly salty. The cheese was, once again, welded to the chos and the side of the box after being microwaved for far too long while I, blocked by the counter, was forced to stand and watch. It was like that bit in the Green Mile where the guy stamps on the mouse and everyone is shocked and repulsed. To top it all off, the box was soggy with condensation and after a few minutes this transferred to the chos themselves. Chewy, soggy, salty tortilla chips welded to bits of cardboard. I ate the jalapenos instead, which were fine if clearly mortified by the indignity of it all.

Ultimate London Nacho? I’m not qualifying this with a response. Subway, you should be absolutely and utterly ashamed of yourself. 0.5/5 (I felt sorry for the jalapenos)